sistine_may (sistine_may) wrote,

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TW FIC: What I Am (1/1)

A belated happy Easter, everyone!  As you can see, I don't have Day Two for you yet but it's getting close.  I've nearly finished writing it, and I'm halfway through typing it up, so I hope that it may be done by the end of April.  I also decided to try Reel_Torchwood this year, so I'm working on that as well.

To thank everyone for being so patient, I thought I'd post a little fic I wrote the other day.  I've started watching Verboten Liebe recently (a German soap opera with a gay couple) and one scene was very powerful, just after Christian had sex with Olli for the first time.  Although there were no words spoken, he appeared to be questioning what he had just done and I thought - what if Ianto had gone through a similar thing when his affair with Jack started?  What might he have thought about his whole identity?  So this little fic is what I came up with.

I hope you enjoy!

Title: What I Am
Summary: Ianto reflects on his first time with Jack.
Character/Pairing: Ianto (Jack/Ianto)
Word count: 781
Season/Spoilers:  season one, no real spoilers
Disclaimer: I don’t own the Torchwood characters, much as I might want to. I would also like to state that I don’t intend to offend anyone with Ianto’s thoughts in this fic. Considering that two years later, Ianto was still trying not to be seen as ‘bender’, I don’t think these kind of thoughts would be out of the ordinary.
Feedback is most welcome :)

Ianto quickly slid out of Jack’s bed as soon as the older man was asleep and went into the small bathroom, closing the door behind him.  He had done it.  He’d had sex with Jack.  His first time with a man.  And he had enjoyed it.
 He looked in the mirror, half expecting there to be some changes in how he appeared but there was nothing except for swollen lips.  He didn’t look like he had just slept with a man, which was good.  No-one would be able to tell.
 Lisa wouldn’t be able to tell.
 Ianto’s hands trembled as he put them under the running water.  He wasn’t gay.  He had just needed to distract Jack and what better way to do it than through sex.  He had enjoyed it, not because he was gay but because Jack was skilled at it.  Very skilled.  And those pheromones…
 He splashed cold water onto his face and then reached for cloth nearby.  He cleaned off the mess on his stomach and tried not to touch with his bare fingers; part of the semen was Jack’s.  Just because he had enjoyed the sex, he thought to himself, it didn’t mean that he was gay.  He still loved Lisa so much - that had to mean something.
 Didn’t it?
 Ianto’s legs suddenly felt weak and he sat down, back against the cabinet.  He loved Lisa; that meant he was straight.  But a small annoying part of him still cast doubts on that.  Straight men wouldn’t enjoy another man stroking them or giving them a blowjob, would they?  Although if stories were to be believed, that kind of thing went on in various military forces when there was no other alternative and no-one blinked an eye so long as it was done discreetly.  And they definitely didn’t think blokes were gay for doing it, just lonely or needed the stress relief. 
 His hand was trembling slightly as he lifted it to his lips.  Jack’s motivation wouldn’t have been loneliness as Ianto had his suspicions that the older man was never at a loss for a bed partner.  Ianto had been a challenge and one which Jack had passionately pursued when no-one else was around.  The kissing… his lips curved into a slight smile.  The kissing had aroused in him feelings that no-one but Lisa had before him, and even now he felt a fluttering in his stomach at the thought.  Jack was definitely a good kisser.
 But just because he acknowledged that, it didn’t mean anything.  It was just an automatic reaction, something that would help him get through the sex.  Not that he had needed much help, except maybe when it had come to sucking.  He’d never done that before and he wasn’t sure that he wanted to do it again either but he knew he would have to if he wanted to keep Jack distracted.  And he would also have to do… other things…
 Ianto tilted his head back to stare up at the light grey ceiling as desire stirred; the paint was starting to peel.  He tried to focus on that but his thoughts kept swirling back to Jack.  His boss.  The man he had let seduce him.  He knew Jack’s body intimately now.  The hairless chest with only a light smattering of hair above the thick, hard…
 Ianto bit his lip to distract himself.  He didn’t want to think about Jack’s naked body, of how he’d had to touch him, stroke him, of how Jack reciprocated those actions.  Of how wonderful it felt to have sex again with someone who knew how to make him feel good.  Of how, for that short time, he was more than just the tea-boy.  Jack had made him feel important and Ianto had revelled in the attention.
 That was it!  That was the reason he had enjoyed the sex.  It wasn’t because he was gay at all.  Ianto breathed a sigh of relief.  That was a reason he could understand.  For once, he wasn’t being ignored or criticised - he had been the centre of Jack’s attention.  And it had felt good.  The fact that it had been a man giving the attention was irrelevant.
 Ianto lifted a hand and ran it through his short hair.  He could do this.  He could keep Jack occupied for however long it took to get Lisa well again now that he knew he wasn’t gay.  This was just something he had to do.
 With that in mind, Ianto stood and headed back into the tiny bedroom where Jack lay sleeping, and tried to ignore the niggling thought that maybe - just maybe - he was lying to himself...

Tags: fanfiction, ianto, torchwood

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